Monday, August 16, 2004

Toasters


I could write about the fact that after four hours of sleep, I woke up on my own accord (with no help from Jeep) and could not help but do more packing, but I think writing about toasters would be way funner. Yes, I said "way funner." "Way funner" is just something I like to say because I think it's funny and way funner than saying "much more fun," which sounds so very banal.

Anyway, I won't go into the specifics, but I found myself looking at a lovely toaster on Amazon. Now let me add to this story before I get too much further into it, that just last month, I was railing on a friend for even considering buying anything other than a $10 toaster at KMart because hey, it's a toaster.

Toasters are lovely little inventions. They make regular bread into toasted bread, crunchy on the outside with a lovely texture that is excellent for holding butter, jam, cheese, peanut butter, bits of Marmite, etc. Toast is one of those near-perfect foods that just hits the spot, especially late at night when you don't think you have anything good in the kitchen. YUM! (And don't get me started on my new F.R.O.G. Jam from the Bakehouse...)

Anyway, back to the point of the story. I found myself lusting after this toaster. Isn't that a beauty? I was imagining this fine piece of machinery sitting on the counter next to my Glacier Blue KitchenAid Stand Mixer. Yes, it's all a bit obvious and maybe even a bit yuppie, but I'm a foodie, and those are some gorgeous and fine pieces of food-making machinery. I can't help it. I'm weak.

Let me tell you an interesting story. I have a friend who has been in AA for 15 years. You know what her higher power is? It's a toaster. Why? According to her, a toaster is a power greater than herself because she can't turn bread into toast. Imagine that! 15 years in AA. 15 years of sobriety, and what gave her the strength to continue each day, one day at a time? A toaster.

So let me get to the point, and I do have a point. I'm reading reviews of the toaster, because if you know me, you know I love product reviews. I love to feel that I have spent my money on the best product available given my budget. Reading along, I get to this review, written by "A Kitchen & Housewares Enthusiast":

It is still a toaster!, May 9, 2004

Go give the money to a public school, buy books for a economically depressed area, give a person a second chance on life after a their fall from grace, not to mention a fragmented future.

A toaster, this isn't stupid, it's tragic.

If aliens are watching this planet two things are happening. One: they are laughing their butts off, two they going to make sure that the virus call man will not leave this rock to keep the rest of the universe safe from our "Manifest Destiny" to impose our amoral blind beliefs that we are the true owners of existence, similar to what happened to the native Americans when Columbus fond a continent that the natives never lost in the first place.

May be its better for us to follow all the victims we have driven into extinction.

A toaster, how could any one be anything else but embarrass to have to tell others they got the top of the line toaster at a price that could feed a family of four for two weeks.

You people are sick. Use your pocket change to get help.

Wow! Those are strong words, and I know they were written to make me feel guilty for lusting after this Dualit Toaster (in pretty mint green - lovely), and you know what? They worked. I had my lusty moment, but in the end, I think I have to continue life in my kitchen with my $10 Betty Crocker toaster from KMart. My Dad bought it for me and my ex when we moved into an apartment in Atlanta about seven and a half years ago, and it still makes beautiful toast for me on a near daily basis. Why have I double-crossed my toaster, looking at such high-end overpriced pile of metal? Is it because I haven't had much money for a while, and I'm trying to overcompensate? Has the consumer culture wooed me more than I realize? I'm going to be strong. I'm going to renew my love affair with the functional... with Ole Faithful. Betty Crocker Toaster? I'm sorry I ever doubted you.